Geeg, since I am new to the whole guest blogger thing, I sometimes wonder what you may find interesting. Don’t get me wrong, my life is filled with non-stop drama and controversy, it’s just difficult to think of which stories to tell. Then I remembered this one and I felt the need to absolutely share it with you.
It’s Monday morning and the weekend has taken its toll on me. Lack of sleep and a babelaas second to none has got me firmly pinned down in my office today. I’m so not in the mood for crap today. Also, as you know, I’m just as keen on my privacy and what happens in my personal life as you are so there aren’t many people who know what’s going on behind the scenes, especially not my staff. I’ve been to hell and back in the last few months and had more than my fair share of my life as I know it fall apart, but no one knew about it except me.
Last week one of my staff members was absent for a few days. Usually a dedicated and hardworking employee, I found this strange as she is hardly ever absent. I received a strange sms from her saying that she is a prophet and has some things to take care of, she would see me on Monday. Even though I am skeptical, as her superior I have to respect her reasons, as freedom of religion is her constitutional right, and also having worked with her for three years she doesn’t have a reputation for making up tall tales or staying off work unnecessarily. So on Monday, Maria returns with a heavy burden. She corners me in my office and requests a meeting with a translator (her English isn’t very good) and we have to go immediately. Being very busy, tired and hung over, I told her that it would have to wait. I don’t have the patience or energy for this today. Eventually I couldn’t avoid her any more so off we went to the boardroom, translator in tow, to hear what she has to say.
Let the weirdness begin. The translator and I sit on the comfortable leather chairs while Maria chooses to sit on the exceptionally hard typical corporate office carpet on her knees in a praying position, her eyes closed the whole time. Bizarre. The first thing I am told is that Maria is not talking to me, my ancestors are... Uhm ok... Doing my best not to giggle or get up and leave I continue to listen. I’m a very skeptical person, I hardly believe in astrology, never mind the supernatural or African magic. Maybe I’m still drunk 'cos I can hardly believe what I’m hearing. I am then told that there are people envious of my past successes and that these individuals are trying to “witch” me by way of Sangomas and muti and they are starting to use more evil and powerful means to harm me and if I do not listen I will lose everything and might even die...! At this point I am finding it extremely difficult not to burst out laughing... These people are putting Muti into my morning coffee, cursed my chair, and continually use concoctions on my machinery and equipment to keep me under their evils. At this point I’m convinced she’s taking the piss and wasting my time. The only frightening part is the bit about my coffee, I shudder to think that I might have consumed bat wings with ferret liver and eye of newt. Think about it, she says, and starts unpacking all that’s the matter in my life. Now I’m thinking, bitch you have five minutes to get to the point because I’m getting agitated. And then my subconscious starts whispering... how does she know? When things do go wrong in one’s life, we expect the answers to come from a sexual (what the fuck?) or religious (Oh my god!) place, but is it that far fetched that it might come from the supernatural (Holy Sangoma??)
Being officially freaked out, I sit upright waiting patiently for her to tell me how to remedy the situation. She says that if I do exactly what she says the curses that they’re sending my way will bypass me and go straight back to the people trying to do this. Not knowing much about their cultural beliefs, I’m anticipating live chickens, bones and goat’s blood and there must surely be something about a virgin in here somewhere. What I hear next shocks me even more. She tells me that if I want to get rid of the evil spirits in my working environment I have to spray the department as well as my office and the dreaded evil chair with water (normal tap water) that she will bless. Then at home I have to spray the house with seawater. Then to lift the curse indefinitely and to complete the ritual I have to drink diluted seawater and put some in my bathwater. No goats, no chicken, no blood, no bones and no virgins. Darn!
Let the ritual begin. After the rest of my staff goes home Maria sends me to the kitchen with a plastic container to get fresh water from the tap. She then closes all the doors and begins to chant at the top of her voice. I’m petrified that one of the bosses is going to walk in and have the both of us committed but strangely enough they never come. Now it’s time to spray the water. As we do this, it seems as if the environment is getting lighter, less heavy and less dark, placebo effect or maybe I’m still drunk? All I know is, if anyone ever decides to review the CCTV footage of my department for that day, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do. The next day she brings me two bottles of Lotus Seahorse Pure Seawater from Kwa Muti Wholesalers. And being a coastal child I know seawater when I see and taste it so I trust that Maria isn’t trying to poison or kill me. She’s even labeled the bottles with usage directions, which comes in handy due to my terrible short term memory. Tonight I will take my bath in my seawater and I am currently forcing this foul tasting concoction down three times a day. . Have I now finally lost my mind by agreeing to do this or will the curse be lifted?
Miss Jones
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