“You're not drunk if you can lie on the
floor without holding on.” ~ Dean Martin
It’s the season to be jolly fra la la la laaa la da di
da… Aw, the festive season is upon us,
the year is coming to an end, many proud of what they have accomplished in the
year, looking forward to another great year to be productive, spending the
festive season just as you please. We
are all looking forward to that long anticipated visit with relatives, going to
the coast, fixing up the house, having many ultra funtastic moments and later
seeing them framed, hanging on the wall, smiles captured for ever and ever and
ever…
This morning I woke up with the most dreadful hangover
up to date. Awakening dazed and confused
as fuck as to where the hell I am, who I am, what I am… Imagine the
horror. I felt like a character in one
of Seuss’s LSD fuelled hell cartoons, or maybe that blonde girl who fell down
the rabbit hole.
I feel that my hangover is in German, nothing against
the Germans, but it’s in German. As the
infamous quote goes – “"Tell someone you love them today, because life is
short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing." My brain is a little nazi bitch screaming at
me and I don’t know why. They say
prevention is better than cure, well fuck you too.
Thank you Health 24 for providing us with this
staggering revelation:
PREVENTION STILL THE BEST CURE
Best would be not to drink at all (screw you) - but
it's summer and we're only human. Limit
the effects of alcohol on the brain by doing the following:
·
Eat fruit, a sandwich or a
piece of game biltong before or while you're drinking. Choose snacks that
aren't too greasy - if you pick up too much weight during the holidays you
might just be tempted to drown your sorrows . . .
·
Drink slowly when you're tired
or after exercise as the effects of alcohol are more severe when you're
fatigued.
·
Try not to have more than one
drink an hour. This will ensure your blood alcohol content stays within the
legal limit of 0,05 g/100 ml.
·
Women should drink slower than
men - their bodies are less muscular and therefore take longer to break down
alcohol.
First of all I would like to point out that eating a
piece of fruit, game biltong, a bloody sandwich or snacks that aren’t too
greasy, is not going to keep anyone from getting piss drunk. People put on weight because of drinking, so
let’s drink to that. I will not drink
slowly when I’m tired, I’m fucking tired, I want to get it over with already
and so be it if a cold beer has the same effect as a double shot of whiskey, it
will help my tired ass fall asleep sooner!
I am greatly appalled by your lack of brains to tell me, to tell the
rest of the world to try and have a single drink per hour. I will not take this asshatery and
twitfuckery. I refuse. Gone are the days that women use to cook and
clean like their mothers, they now drink and smoke like their fathers. And who the hell ‘breaks down alcohol’,
you’ll get shot at if you break anything that contains alcohol in our
house.
Now, this lovely website gives you a step by step
phase guide of what to expect when you’re expecting a drunken front with a few
scattered Jagger bombs:
1. THE JOVIAL PHASE
Drinking less than half a glass of alcohol an hour is
enough to suppress the functions of the frontal lobes which control your
inhibitions, self-control, willpower, ability to judge and concentration. – GREAT!
Believe it or not, at this stage your judgement is
diminished and your personality has been sufficiently altered to increase your
risk of dying an unnatural death - as a result of an accident or fight, for
example. – Luckily I won’t feel a thing; I’ll be too busy moving my ass like
Mite Tyson on jagger.
2. THE SLURRING PHASE
Next in line to experience the alcohol wave are the
parietal lobes at the sides and on the top of your head. Complicated movements such as buttoning your
shirt or fastening a necklace are likely to become more challenging and you may
experience a slight tremble. – Funny, when I’m drinking I want to unbutton my
shirt…
3. THE BLURRING PHASE
Your vision is deteriorating - it's becoming
increasingly difficult to judge movement and distance and your peripheral
vision decreases. If you're driving at dusk you'll have trouble spotting a
pedestrian or the little boy chasing his ball; unable to stop in time you could
kill someone or crash into the back of a slow-moving lorry. – Little boys
should not be chasing balls in front of my car, and I’m glad my vision is
deteriorating; this bitch is ugly as hell!
4. THE TOPPLING OVER PHASE
The alcohol wave is crashing over your
cerebellum. By now your balance will be
severely affected and you'll have trouble standing. Hopefully your friends have
already seen to it that you're lying down safely so you can sleep off the
backlash of the booze. – MEXICAN WAVE! Fuck you, I did not fall, I did the worm
on this here floor!
5. THE LEGLESS PHASE
If you're not in bed by now you'll be lying somewhere
in a drunken stupor and your midbrain has become affected. You're paralytic,
jittery and nauseous and your reflexes are severely impaired, by this time you
may have lost consciousness. – I can’t really comment on this one, the last
thing I remember was worming on the floor.
6. THE DEADLY PHASE
If you drink four doubles an hour your blood alcohol
level will quickly exceed 0,35 to 0,4 g/100 ml.
With this amount of alcohol in your body your brain will be hit with a
vengeance. It's now a matter of life and death: if the alcohol reaches the
medulla oblongata (the part of the brain controlling breathing and blood
circulation) you can die. – So the medulla oblongata is controlled by that
little nazi bitch, now screaming at me for trying to choke and drown it…
My hangover, which I am surfing like a sunbathed dude
in the Bahamas is really starting to bug me…
Dear Diary:
When I woke up from my disco nap, it just gave me a
lot of misplaced energy. However time
progressed, still not feeling any pain, something was missing, I had the mental
capacity of a gel pen. The coffee that I
was drinking only aggravated my rumbling gut, I was I in the mood for a proper
full house wimpy breakfast. A storm was
building in my bowels. By the time I got
to work I could tell, today I’m not going to be productive. The girl that walked passed me had me choking
and gagging on her perfume reminding me of the gin shots I had. I had the sun inside of my face. By lunch time I had 3 gallons of water, two
cokes, 3 cups of coffee and yet I have not peed once. I am a fucking mess. I didn’t want to speak too quickly, I was
afraid of puking freely. At tea time I
was cruising the inner circles of hell.
I bet I would have felt better by taking a hot shower or masturbating. Whiskey was seeping out of every pore and I
was dizzy. I curled up on the welcome mat in the reception area. That nazi
bitch was starting to gas my brain… As I woke from my slumber on the reception
area’s mat, I turned my head and the funk of 13 packs of cigarette smoke stuck
in my hair moered me lights out. I
gagged yet again. Luckily I threw up
everything but my childhood memories, so I was safe, no colouring the
reception’s walls…
Lying in bed that night, thinking about my drunken
episodes I had this funny Morgan Freeman voice narrating the whole story… I
felt good as I plummeted into a deep sleep.
Stay safe this festive season and have a drink on me!
Hedonistic Helga xxx
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